Ten Worst Breaches of Stoner Etiquette

No one wants to make a bad impression. That’s especially true when you’re a stoner, you’re new in town, and you have no local connection, let alone friends.

Breaking the ice is all about etiquette. Play your cards right and you could have a whole new smoking circle. Get it wrong and you could find yourself alone with a cheap bottle of cough syrup. Here are 10 no-nos to avoid.

1. Don’t talk about fight club

In certain settings, the less said the better. Weed may be legal in some places, but in most others it’s still a back-alley topic. That means you should keep pot lingo out of the head shop. They’re not kidding when they warn you not to discuss drugs; they can and will ban you for life.

2. Don’t break the circle

Whether you’re passing to the right or passing to the left, make sure you’re not the idiot who breaks the circle and sends the joint back in the wrong direction. You’re high, yes, but you should still have a basic grasp of geometry.

3. Don’t hog the J

Puff, puff, pass, as they say. Take two good drags off that joint, then pass it along. You don’t have to hurry yourself, but don’t loiter, either. The number of acceptable tokes before passing varies depending on the joint and the number of people smoking it, but you get the general idea.

4. Don’t topload

By all means, roll each joint like it will be your last. The fatter, the better. But don’t get selfish: Even the weed out so each hit is consistent. Whatever you do, don’t overload the end of the joint and then insist on taking the first puff. It’s already your weed; you don’t need to hoard it.

5. Don’t be mean

No one says you have to open up your marijuana drawer to anyone who stops by. But helping a fellow pothead in need is good karma, and that friend could someday get you through a pinch. You can never have too many sources for weed, just like you can never have too many friends to smoke it with.

6. Don’t play god

Like we said, share the wealth. But whatever you do, resist the temptation to have some fun by spiking your supply. Granted, if you’re the kind of person inclined to do such a thing, we probably can’t talk you out of it. Just keep in mind that your “prank” is another person’s trip to the emergency room (and your trip to prison).

7. Don’t be stupid

Just about the rudest thing you can do as a stoner is pressure fellow stoners into selling you weed. Nothing says “narc” louder than a newbie offering $100 for an eighth of schwag. If your acquaintance doesn’t deal, she doesn’t deal, and it’s not your place to impose upon her. Chat about weed, certainly, but don’t expect her to sell it to you, at least until she gets to know you better.

8. Don’t be a parasite

If you decide to sell some grass, know that there are practical ethics even in drug dealing. Don’t cheat your customers or you’ll never see them again. Don’t poison your customers or you’ll never see them again. Don’t threaten your customers or you’ll never see them again. You don’t need to be a saint to sell weed, but it’s not smart to be the devil, either.

9. Don’t pass a cashed bowl

If you’re the unlucky soul who finishes a bowl, be a friend and replace the roll. The thoughtful thing to do is grab some more weed, repack, and pass the pipe. If you didn’t get a good hit at the end of the last bowl, give yourself the first puff off the second. Better yet, be a lady/gentleman and wait until it comes ’round again.

10. Don’t be a troll

Everyone is a virgin at first. As a stoner, you will almost certainly come into contact with naive young people who couldn’t pick a bong out of a photo lineup. Be nice to these people; you were them, once. This is especially true on the Internet, the last refuge of people with stupid questions. Yes, we believe you, you’re smarter than that kid you met who bought oregano from his cousin. But not much. Remember that.