If you’ve smoked weed for long enough, you’ve probably noticed that your fellow stoners fall into certain discrete categories. Whether it’s the pothead jock or the stoner nerd, everybody has a type.
Here, then, are five of the most annoying stoner types you’re likely to meet while toking. Keep your hands on your stash!
1. The “Holy Shit I’m High” Stoner
Talking while baked can be something of a challenge. Our thoughts tend to vanish into thin air, and our words quickly follow suit. Thankfully, most of us can do better than “Oh God I’m so high right now!”
It’s doubtful whether these people really are as blazed as they claim. Even if they are, we really don’t want to hear about it.
That said, we’re so fucking high right now. You?
2. The Stoner Who Only Borrows
Nobody loves a mooch. If you can’t afford weed, you probably shouldn’t be smoking it in the first place. And if you can, well, come on, don’t be a dick.
If you have plans to hang out with potheads, either BYO or offer some cash to keep things fair. Either way, it just isn’t kosher to take without giving. Even if you’re tight with a stoner who likes to share her stash, make a point of offering yours.
3. The Know-It-All Stoner
This is the guy who gets all his information from stoner forums on the Web. He probably doesn’t smoke much weed, but considers himself an expert nonetheless.
The know-it-all stoner can name each of the local glass artisans who blow the bongs at his local co-op head shop, where he mans the cash register on weekends. And the know-it-all is always happy to tell you why your equipment, weed, and other life choices all suck.
Do the world a favor and shut this guy out. Cannabis is a mystical drug, and though it’s always a good idea to learn as much as possible, no one needs to know everything.
4. The Stoner Who Gets Way Too Paranoid
Paranoia is a part of smoking up, and it isn’t going anywhere soon. Even the boldest tokers worry their grandmothers will call at 4 a.m. and flush them out.
But all things in moderation. At some point, you just have to relax and accept the reality that no one gives a shit about your pot habit, unless maybe you have a history of burning down buildings while high.
This stoner type is usually young; they’re often first-timers who can’t yet see marijuana paranoia in perspective yet. Some give up on the drug as a result, while most learn to live with the anxiety. The good, in the end, outweighs the bad.
5. The Stoner Who Deals
There’s nothing wrong with a weed dealer who also puffs. There’s a big upside: They’re like us, so they understand what we’re looking for and know how to get it for us.
But there’s also a downside: Stoner dealers tend to be high most of the time, especially when business is booming. This makes them cool, but it rarely makes them all that competent.