Our love of lists is nothing new. Hell, the most successful piece of religious expression in history was a list of dos and don’ts for ancient Jews.
Now even atheists have their own Ten Commandments, if only for irony’s sake. The idea that we can boil life down to its essential bullet points is as old as the written word.
Stoners are no exception. Potheads may hate rules, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a few of our own. So here are the Ten Commandments of Stoner Life. Learn them and live them.
1. Thou shalt not snitch
This is right up there with lying and killing. You may have a moral duty to report any crime that could victimize another person, but there’s no reason you should be ratting out your dealer or other potheads.
2. Thou shalt not steal weed
Really, don’t steal anything. It’s stupid and it’s a sign of bad character. But especially don’t steal weed. If you live in a state where pot is legal, you can just go buy more, but elsewhere, finding good weed on the spot is a challenge. Don’t put other people through that.
3. Thou shalt honor thy dealer and thy budtender
Your barista doesn’t let you sip coffee for free, does she? So don’t expect any more from a budtender or marijuana dealer. They’re business people, not your personal servants. Respect their boundaries and stick to the task at hand: Scoring weed.
4. Thou shalt not hide it
But rather thou shalt divide it. Sharing is part of being a good person. It’s also part of being a good stoner. You don’t have to walk around handing dime bags to panhandlers (though they would surely appreciate it). Just make sure you don’t lock up your stash when fellow potheads come calling.
5. Thou shalt honor the plant
Take some time to learn about the marijuana plant and how it grows. Study the differences between sativa, indica, and ruderalis cannabis. Get ready for the day when you’ll be able to grow your own pot plants, because it’s coming fast.
6. Thou shalt not drive high
It’s twice as dangerous to drive stoned as it is to drive sober. That said, it’s 13 times more dangerous to drive drunk. Either way, you should stay off the road until you’re straight. You’re liable to kill someone, and you won’t do other stoners any favors by reenforcing the perception that we all drive dangerously.
7. Thou shalt not sell weed to kids
Remember that first joint you tried in high school (or middle school)? Doubtless that weed came from a generous adult. That doesn’t mean you should start handing pot to kids just to repay the favor. Underage consumption is illegal for a reason.
8. Thou shalt support legalization
There’s nothing worse than a pothead who thinks pot should remain illegal. Usually these people are blind, stupid, or self-righteous; never appealing qualities in a stoner. If you don’t even know your own interests, something is wrong.
9. Thou shalt help MMJ patients
Those who toke for fun have a duty to help those who smoke up for medical reasons. Many people do both, but it’s still important to push for patient rights whenever possible. We wouldn’t have legalization if not for medical marijuana.
10. Thou shalt toke often
That’s an order! Naysayers will point to (gradually) increasing cannabis consumption in America as proof we shouldn’t legalize. We point to it as proof the world is becoming a better place. People who choose to toke often switch from alcohol, and that means they’re far less dangerous to the rest of the world.s