Sadly, weed can’t make you live forever, no matter what you heard down at the dispensary. Pot definitely makes life better, and it makes a lot of people healthier, but it won’t keep the Grim Reaper at bay forever – as far as we know, anyway.
Still, many tokers look to weed as a preparation for the hereafter, including Rastafarians, who use pot to commune with the divine. What we can’t experience before death we imagine while high.
In that spirit, here are the five stoners you meet in heaven.
The Bard did more to shape modern English than anyone else. Also, you know he’d be a blast to toke with in heaven. The man would have stories.
What’s more, Shakespeare is a known pothead. He even did a little blow back in the day. Archaeologists recently found two broken pipes buried in his old garden. The paraphernalia dates to his lifetime and contains residue of marijuana and cocaine.
Wouldn’t you love to hear about the great author’s incredible life from the man himself? Learn the real meaning behind the world’s greatest literature? Or maybe you could just spark up and watch SpongeBob reruns or something.
England’s longest-reigning monarch (so far) was dowdiness personified. So was the Victorian Era she spawned, a time of cultural subversion and excessive petticoats in English-speaking parts of the world.
But Queen Victoria was also a pothead, and apparently a big one. She took weed to treat her severe menstrual cramps, making her the most powerful medical marijuana patient in the history of the world.
No doubt Vicky could dish about that early English cannabis. It probably wasn’t very strong, though it was clearly strong enough to make many people happy. Victoria could keep you entertained for eternity with her gossip about the 19th century stoner scene. Plus, she can probably get you an excellent hook-up up there.
Fun story: Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead were instrumental in spreading the term “420” among hippie stoners years before it became official code for weed.
The term was coined when four high school students outside San Francisco spent their afternoons searching for an abandoned pot field in the San Rafael National Forest. The designated time for heading into the woods was 4:20 p.m.
Locals started using the reference, and it soon passed from one of the boys to the Grateful Dead, which frequently performed in the Bay Area. From there, “420” spread across the country.
Just think of all the wisdom you could gain from Garcia and the rest of the band in heaven. And they could probably score you the best acid this side of God.
OK, this will probably get us in trouble, but bear with us.
Surely if there were a Jesus Christ and he were the son of God and God were in heaven, then Jesus would be there, too. And it’s not like heaven will be too crowded to meet the big guy.
More important, Jesus can help you understand why you had to put up with so much shit in life just to suck down a joint every now and then. And he does miracles! Watch him turn wine into wax or walk on bong water.
Granted, there’s no evidence of any kind anywhere in the world that Christ ever smoked up. But hey, weed was used in the Middle East a long time before he showed up. If you had to deal with a dad like his, wouldn’t you sneak out back and light up too?
No man has more explaining to do when it comes to cannabis policy in the United States than Harry Anslinger. If you can corner him up in heaven, maybe you can get the story out of him.
Anslinger is the man most responsible for the long history of drug prohibition in America. He was head of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, a sister agency to the FBI that enforced federal drug laws, from 1930 to 1962.
During Anslinger’s decades at the helm of the FBN, which later became the DEA, he managed to ban marijuana everywhere in the country. Remember Reefer Madness? That was a key part of Anslinger’s career-long campaign against weed.
Pot was banned in 1937, and it wasn’t until 75 years later that the first two states legalized it again. Anslinger would be rolling around in his grave. Or in heaven, if you believe he got in.