Buying legal weed is a breeze. It’s a straight cash transaction, above board, and you can get pretty much anything you want.

Outside Colorado and Washington State, though, things still work the old-fashioned way. That means a black market dealer and all the annoying traits that go along with him.

With that in mind, here are the five kinds of drug dealer you’d do better to avoid. There’s always some minimal risk involved in buying illegal pot, but each of these types will ratchet up the drama – and that’s the last thing any stoner wants.

The One-Stop Dealer

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Beware the pot dealer who sells other stuff “on the side.” If you really need some crack, fine, go find a crack dealer. But never trust someone who sells absolutely anything people are willing to buy.

These dealers have no moral compass. They’re opportunists. And opportunists are terrible at running businesses. They know how to sell, but they don’t understand the meaning of consistency. Nobody wants to waste time on a sketchy dealer who could be out of product when it’s time for a refill.

Unless you absolutely need a guy who can get you everything, avoid the multi-purpose drug dealer. Trust us, you can find your weed somewhere better.

The Dealer With a Loud Mouth

Gossip

Some people just can’t keep their traps shut. Never trust a pot provider who needs the world to know he’s a pot provider. You may not get busted, but he will, and that could leave you with no pot and no quick way to get any.

Selling marijuana is a business like any other, and rules of professional conduct apply. A quality dealer knows to be discrete and keep client data secure. A bad one might just alert the whole neighborhood that you’re a no-account pothead – even if he comes out of it looking worse than you.

The Con Artist Dealer

Con Artist

These people are everywhere, and anyone who has ever arrived in a new city with no connections knows their type. They stake out Craigslist like vultures, looking for desperate tokers and other easy prey.

Con artists will frequently try to sell cannabis at more than $70 an eighth. Retail pot, minus the scams, shouldn’t cost that much anywhere in the United States.

This type of dealer is best avoided using patience. You may have to wait a few days to hook up with the right connection, someone who can get you good ganja at a fair price, but it’s better than forking over $75 for three and a half grams of schwag.

The Dealer Who’s Always High

Stoned

When hard drug dealers start dipping into their own product, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. When a pot provider smokes too much pot, it’s merely annoying.

But it is annoying. Why should you have to wait an extra half hour just because your dealer can’t pull her head out of her bong long enough to drive over? Appointments are appointments, and people who routinely miss them don’t deserve your hard-earned money.

The Dealer Who Still Uses a Beeper

Beeper

Man, remember pagers? Right, neither does anyone else. That’s why you should stay far away from any dealer who uses one.

Beepers served a purpose once, and dealers who didn’t have them just weren’t part of the program. But modern society has rightly relegated these antiquities to the landfill of history. Sure, they’re still more reliable than cell phones, but it’s not like your dealer needs to report for surgery on short notice.

These days, only two people use pagers: doctors on call and drug dealers who live in the 20th century. And you really shouldn’t buy pot from either.

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